A Song of Ice and Brisingr
by You Can't Stop The Pain
Summary: A collection of parodies that are actually written grammatically correct. If you are a fan of A Song of Ice and Fire, Sword of Truth, Star Wars, Conker, Twilight, and many more, this will have some...shocking surprises. Please R&R. Flames are welcome.
1. Chapter 1

This is a collection of stories. Not one. Brisingr Spoilers, you were warned.

**_The Red Wedding_**

It was the night of Stronghammer and Katrina's wedding. Nasuada and fifty other Varden sat at one of the tables in the new tent, watching Roran and Katrina dance happily together. That one song from Star Wars: A New Hope played, you know, where Brom and Luke are in the pub in Tatooine? And some other songs from Lord of the Rings played as well. The leader of the Varden sighed; Katrina and Roran looked so happy and so did everyone else dancing to the jazzy music. Even Arya and Elva were dancing. How come she never had fun? Other than being the leader over the Varden, nothing interesting ever worked out for Nasuada. She thought about Murtagh. "Our wedding would be so much better than this."

But then, for some reason, she began to grow nervous. She saw Eragon in the corner, laughing at some elven joke that wasn't even funny. High on the second floor of the tent (yes, there was a second floor) dwarves sung and danced as well. One was so drunk that he began to read Twilight. But still, she felt as if some evil god had left an evil atmosphere over the party...She could not help but feel something was wrong...Something was being foreshadowed by the author of the fanfic...but what?

"Would you like to dance MILADY?!" Nasuada looked up and to her surprise, it was Saphira.

"Saphira, are you drunk?!"

"NO!!11 LOL"

Nasuada sat at another table. Then, she began to eat chicken legs. Murtagh and Blodgharm entered her mind as she ate and she became even sadder.

"AN ELF AN ELF THERE WAS AN ELF" One dwarf was singing outrageously loud. Nasuada gritted her teeth when she realized who they were singing about. "ALL BIG AND BLUE AND COVERED IN FUR." At first, she thought it was a jest towards her, but remembered that all the others girls in the Varden swooned over Blodgharm.

She grumbled something to herself, deciding that she would leave the party and do something meaningful in her own tent, like write a novel with good characterization. "I think I'll do just that."

She was going to leave when an evil voice called out to her...

"Hey Nasuada!" She turned around and saw Eragon smiling.

"What, Eragon?!" He had startled her. _Why am I so jumpy?_

(Author's Note: That is because something bad is going to happen. )

"Can't let you leave without eating some of this Dragonriderific Carrot Cake. It's from Ellesmera. The elves made it. It tastes wonderful! Smells like pine needles, too."

"No, Eragon, I am fine."

"Well...come over here and we can discuss the horrors of war! It'll be fun and will make me NOT seem like a sociopath."

"Heh, no, I am tired."

"Well, at least stick around for the bedding."

"I don't want to."

"Fine, fine, go away then."

Enraged at Eragon's childishness, Nasuada did not "go away then" but grabbed some wine. She sat down on another bench and watched in disbelief as a dwarf talked about how better Halo was than Gears of War.

And then there was Blodgharm (his fursona was Grey Wind, though) "Hey, Nasuada! Murr! Would you like to dance, muuurrr?"

Nasuada's cheeks grew hot, but she declined. _I am the leader of the Varden. I am not supposed to show too much emotion or character. _

"Well, murr. Have you seen a blue-furred elf, murr? Her name is K'ry'sta'l."

"No, Blodgharm."

"Awwww. That makes Blodgharm sad." And Blodgharm went away.

Thirty minutes passed and the climax of this story arrived.

Nasuada caught sight of a man whispering into Angela's ear. The seer looked at the man with anger and pushed him away. Then the man pulled out an axe and killed her.

Now everything moved in slow motion...

The dwarven _music_ still plaid...but Nasuada didn't see musicians up there, but crossbowmen! "Oh SNAP!" she yelled.

The party had been pooped! People were killing each other now. Katrina looked around in horror as Roran killed people left and right.

"Yo, this party is garbage!" said Fadawar.

Nasuada saw Eragon fighting four men men (a quad). She had to crawl to reach him, tim him. Dwarven crossbow stuff was flying in the air above her. "Must...reach...Era...gone." If he was killed, the war would be over and Galbatorix would defeat the Varden.

Finally, she reached the table near Eragon, but too late, for a crossbow thing had embedded itself in Eragon's leg! He fell to his knees as another sliced through his chest. She was about to pull it out when...

(Author's Note: STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND GO TO YOUTUBE! Search "Star Wolf theme" ((the Nintendo 64 version)) and listen to it while reading the next part)

"**_Can't let you do that Nightstalker..." _**There was Orik...King Orik, standing with the dwarven crossbowmen. The dwarven musicians began to play Star Wolf's theme.

"Hrothgar has hired us to take you down," said Murtagh.

"Too bad Brom's not here to see you PHAIL!" said Murtagh again.

"Orik, please, don't kill him!" Nasuada was sad.

"Too bad. If we allow Eragon to live, our world, Alagaesia will be polluted with a Gary Stue forever. What if someone is writing about all this? Our world, our fight against Galbatorix. So far, it's pretty cliche, lame, boring and stale; do you think these alternate reality readers will be interested? But without Eragon, things will be much more different and interesting. Interesting characters or characters with potential to be interesting such as you, Nasuada, me, Murtagh and a few others will live on and destroy the need for fanfictions like this."

"But you AREN'T an interesting character, Orik," someone said.

"_Heh, _I am now."

Then, Murtagh appeared behind Eragon...with a Sword!

"Emperor Galbatorix sends his regards!" He pushed the Sword through Eragon's heart and killed him.

Epilogue: Later on, Saphira was killed, too and they cut her head off and put it onto Eragon's corpse. Nasuada was sent to a Character Development Center and Arya was sent back to Uru'Baen to be flogged with the Whip of Flaws so that she could be flawed. Roran was forced to watch Passion of the Christ so that he learned that love does not heal pain and was later also whipped with the Whip of Flaws. Galbatorix retired and became a world golf champion. Then, Elva brought Angela back to life, seeing that she was an interesting character, but the spell was a dud and Angela became a cheap ripoff of Lady Stoneheart AKA unCatelyn.

**_193_**

(No one gets kicked into a hole in this 300 parody)

"TOMORROW! We dine in Helgrind!"

Some cheers went up through the crowd of Varden soldiers. Roran stood on a big thing, giving a speech that displayed his manliness and dominance over the lesser characters. Katrina was at his side. While speaching, he thought of Katrina, how beautiful their baby would be after staying 12 months in her belly_...Katrina_'s belly. 'We'll be like the Huxtables!" he thought and smiled.

Then, the time came to go to sleep and he went home and had sex with Katrina and woke up, then went back to sleep, then woke up again, cursed, went back to sleep and woke up and put his armor on. It was morning.

"Katrina...what must a manly man do in a world every evil guys keep acting evil?"

Katrina answered. "It is not a question of what a Carvahallen citizen should do, nor a husband. Instead, ask yourself, my dearest love, what would _you_ do?"

"Thanks, Kat. Be sure not to cheat on me while I'm gone."

"LOL, You're so funny, Roran, bye!"

And Roran and the other insignificant soldiers left. They walked through forests, jungles, swamps, planets, and tundras. They faced many adventures such as killing Imperial Scouts, solving dungeon puzzles, saying no to drugs, and arguing amongst themselves. Roran always thought of Katrina. He loved that woman with all his might.

After a skirmish with a couple of Imperial soldiers, Roran ordered his men to take cover. "Check ammo," he said.

"Eh...Hey, Sergeant Roran," said one soldier. He held a broken bow. "Something's wrong with this thing...It keeps jamming, see?" He stood up and an arrow flew through his head.

"IMPERIAL BOWMEN!"

And then they were caught in a fight! Roran stood up and drew his sword.

"Blade, be true this day..." he said.

Bringer of death.

Sword of truth.

Roran jumped in the air like a wild alleycat and chopped off a man's hand, then killed him. Then, he flipped and killed another guy, and then another one, but only injured the next. Then, he saw a group of guys rushing towards him. Roran threw a grenade and killed them, jumped from the explosion, and chopped off another guy's head. Then, he took out a bow and shot fourteen people in two seconds and switched back to his sword and chopped off a guy's nose. After that, he punched someone with his fist and kicked him in the neck. Then, he extinguished someone else's life by throwing him in the sky and then spun around and nailed someone in the heart with his fingers. After that, he jumped in the air again, chopped up the guy he had thrown in the air a second ago, caught some of the blood in his hands, threw it in one soldier's eyes to blind him and then, broke his neck.

A sword struck his thigh, but he thought of Katrina and it stopped hurting.

A hammer slammed into his head, but he thought of Katrina's bosom and it was okay.

A .50 caliber bullet slammed into his heart, but his love for Katrina removed it.

Marcus Fenix tried to chainsaw him with his Lancer, but he thought of Katrina and Marcus died, but his love for Katrina didn't!

Finally, he won the fight and his men were all alright, except for one who had slipped and fallen face-first into an open copy of Breaking Dawn. The man was never the same again. But it was okay, because RORAN had survived.

"193 soldiers! You're good Roran."

"Uma Thurman would be proud."

"Master Chief would be proud, too."

"Hell yeah! He killed Marcus Fenix, Master Chief would REALLY be proud."

But when Roran got home, he saw that his baby had already been born...

And it was not a human baby...

...

BUT A RA'ZAC BABY!

Epilogue: They ended up naming the baby Renessmei. Little Renessmei eventually grew up, killed his father (Katrina died in childbirth) and Eragon and brought Great Character Development to the world of Alagaesia.

Under Renessmei's empire, the elves were enslaved and forced to pick pine


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Since very little of the Eragon fandom read ASOIAF, I will lay off of it some.

_**Murtagh's Bad Furr Day **also entitled **The Great Gatsbatorix**_

At first, Murtagh had been happy about his old master's resurrection. But now, he felt totally different.

"Tornac, I've got good-"

"(BLEEP) off."

"What?"

"Either bring me back me missing dragon eggs, or (BLEEP) off!" Tornac was smoking a fat cigar.

"You've never had a dragon, Tornac and you don't have to shout."

"I'm deaf! Speak up, or (BLEEP) off!" He was blind, too.

_Ugh, Thorn, please turn those censors off. I am not a child anymore._

_I am sorry, Big One. _

Tornac sat up in his comfortable armchair. Though he was half-deaf and blind, he still found some interest in the television set a few feet away from him. "I don't even know why Galbs keeps him around here," he muttered as he left the room, slamming the door behind him. By "here" he meant the palace in Uru'Baen. It looked like that place in Mordor.

Murtagh sighed, knowing that he would have to tell the king about his failure to kill Eragon. Visiting Tornac had been a failed attempt to get advice and loosen himself up before the big presentation.

_Cheer up, darling, everything will be fine! _Murtagh saw a smile on Thorn's face. He ignored him and entered Galbatorix's bedroom.

"Yes, old sport?" asked Galbatorix, turning around.

He was a tall man, baldhead with black hair and a black beard and moustache.

Murtagh had recently found out that Galbatorix was his father.

"I failed to kill Eragon, father."

The emperor king sighed and looked the very model of a calm old man. Then he yelled at Murtagh. They argued for fifty minutes before Murtagh reverted to Elven curses.

"Furcifer! semper me vituperos!" And he stormed out the room.

"UGH!"

When he entered his room, Thorn stood up from his little bed in the floor, concern scribbled all over his face._ Murtagh, are you okay, honey?! Did he hurt you?_

_No, Thorn, no! Just shut up!_

Murtagh punched a wall in anger and threw a stuffed animal against the door also in anger. Thorn did not look happy.

_Murtagh, baby, please don't act like that! I hate it when you do this. _

The black-haired youth was packing clothes into a suitcase.

_I hate my life! I just want to kill myself and leave this wretched place! I have everyone: father, Tornac, Morzan, Terry Goodkind, especially, you Thorn._

_Murtagh you're breaking my heart! _A single tear sparkled in Thorn's red eyes, as sparkly as a vampire. _You are going down a path I cannot follow. Please, stop this mummer's farce, honey...Murtagh, I LOVE you!_

When Murtagh was done packing he stormed from the room, leaving Thorn to cry a host of single-tears. _I am sorry, Murtagh, _Thorn apologized. But then he heard a sound...a bad sound...

Gone.

Gone!

GONE!

**GONE!111**

The sound of a door locking...from the outside. Thorn howled.

_Murtagh! No, please! Murtagh!! You don't understand...I'm pregnant with your children!!_

If he expected to live in the wilderness, he would need a better sword. He had left Zar'oc in the room with Thorn so that he would have an easier way to kill himself. "My father has a useful sword...Stonebringer."

When he reached his father's room, he saw that the door was ajar...He smelled smoke and at first, thought the person talking to Galbatorix was Tornac. But he saw that it was Terry Goodkind, in his hand, a blue book with Saphira on the cover. In Galbatorix's hands, he saw a red book with Thorn on the cover. He heard them talking as well...

"What if we were to give these books to..say, twenty intelligent people," said Galbatorix. "I mean, what would it do? Let's face it, what would it _do_?"

"Really, that's interesting." By the sound of it, this clearly was not a conversation that they wanted to be heard.

Murtagh made noise. "Barzuln! It's your bloody son! Quick, into character!" Galbatorix cleared his throat and straightened his tie. Terry Goodkind walked away, back to the Study of Evilness where he would write more Sword of Truth books for the debtors and criminals in jail to read as torture.

"I have come for your sword, father. I am leaving."

"Leaving, old sport?"

"Yes."

"I am having a little party tonight at the palace for all the loyal imperials I thought you'd like to come, my boy."

Murtagh's brow furrowed. "Some three-dimensional characters will be attending said party also, old sport," added Galbatorix.

"Three dimensional characters...?" Murtagh was beginning to like Galbatorix.

"Yes, and hot girls, too," he sniffed.

Murtagh decided to stay with his father. They hugged, said their apologies and went shopping to find new party outfits.

TOO BE CONTINUED

_**Juxtaposition**_

Eragon was sleeping comfortably in his bed. He dreamed of that day three weeks ago when he had defeated the evil king Emperor Galbatorix. Now, he ruled Alagaesia. Under his rule, everything went well. Peasants were fed, slavery was abolished, and bad rap music ceased to exist. Everyone loved Eragon.

Queen Arya's musical snores woke up the young boy king. He looked at her and smiled.

"_You_ are so beautiful." Her pine needly smell dominated the room and Eragon's heart. He planted a kiss on her slanted eyelid and smiled as she smiled a sleepy, but pretty smile.

"Love you, Arya."

"Love you, too my King of the North," she said drowsily, but equally beautifully, and went back to sleep.

Eragon was perplexed. Uru'Baen was in the middle of Alagaesia..What did she mean "king of the north"? The other night, when they were mating, she had called out "Oh Robb!" but Eragon had pardoned her. He shrugged and laid back down.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a silver-haired woman with violet eyes was standing a few feet away from his bed. Eragon was instantly awoke and he stared at the young girl, who stared back, blinking.

"You're a dragonrider," he concluded. He felt as if he knew her...there was some mental link between the two.

"Yes..." She eyed the room mysteriously. "Where am I?"

"You are in Alagaesia."

"Al's Gay what? Pardon?"

As Eragon explained, he studied her beauty, which, if thrown in a cage with Arya's beauty, would win in a fight against Arya's beauty. Plus, she was a dragonrider as well, he learned, a _queen _dragonrider with three dragons.

"Impressive," Eragon said after learning this. "You are quite the lucky one. I only have one dragon and she can be...very troublesome at times."

_Watch your mouth Eragon before stick my barbed tongue down it. _

Eragon apologized silently to Saphira, unaware that she was awake.

"Quite lucky? Ha, I've been through a lot to acquire my kingdom and dragons."

"Well, not as much as me." Eragon knew that for a fact. "You're telling me that you have three dragons, are very beautiful and yet, you still have had a hard time getting your kingdom?"

"Yes." The girl put her hands on her hips.

"Well, I had two trainers, and they both died." Eragon still felt pain thinking about Brom and Oromis' deaths. "And one was my father! NYUH!"

"I had a brother to die. My mother died birthing me, my father was killed by his own bodyguard and my older brother was killed by a gluttonous bastard."

Eragon fell silent for a moment, then said: "I got into a horrible battle once and got this HUGE, PAINFUL scar on my back."

"I lost all my hair after being burned in a fire."

"Oh, well..." Eragon's thoughts trailed off. "I was almost assassinated by a ninja dwarf."

"I was almost assassinated, too! But it was poison..."

_Score one for the Shadeslayer! Poison is for cowards._

"Once, I had to fight these dudes who didn't feel pain...It was scary, but somehow my friends and I survived."

The girl smiled. "Really? I had to fight a bunch of wights during a twenty-year long winter."

Eragon was getting irritated. _Does she really think that she's been through more sacrifices than ME? Eragon Shadeslayer, son of Brom and Selena?_

"I saved some slaves once from an evil religious cult in Helgrind."

"I freed a whole city of slaves and gave them an early form of democracy to govern themselves."

"Well, one time, I had fallen in love with a beautiful woman, an elf, and I tried to date her, but she dissed me. I have to admit, it hit me like a ton of scales and I cried. I've been through it all, but there's nothing worse than feeling something like that."

"I also know how it feels, yet my husband was killed. I still mourn his death to this very day."

Eragon was very angry now. He gritted his teeth. _She's a woman...she'd be really sad if I told her what happened at that village... _

"I once saw a baby skewered on a spear and I was like, traumatized and stuff."

Instead, the woman frowned. "Don't get me started on babies," she huffed. Eragon thought he saw a tear in her eye. "My older brother's baby boy was thrown against a wall. And it seems the gods didn't think that was enough. I was once pregnant, but my baby was killed _in my tummy _by evil magic. The only babies I have now are my dragons and breast-feeding them really sucks."

"Well...I saw John McCain eat a baby once."

"Now, you're lying."

There was only one more thing now...Something that Eragon considered a great achievement in his fight against Galbatorix.

"I can ride my dragon with no handlebars, no handlebars."

"I can end the planet in a holocaust," replied Dany. "Really, my dragons are so strong, that if I gave the command for them all to fire at once, the world would cease to exist."

"Nuh uh," said Eragon nonbelievingly. "Show me."

With an odd word, she commanded all three of her dragons to fire and then, the world of Alagaesia ceased to exist and so did the Inheritance Series, an empty space ready to be filled by a series with better characterization.


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: I appreciate the reviews.)

_**Galbatorix's Bad Furr Day Part Two also entitled DragonFetus Z**_

Galbatorix was delighted that his son was going to the party with him. After Murtagh left the room to shower, shave, do his hair, nails, etc. he went into his own closet and picked out a gorgeous suit to wear. It would go well with his Nike dress shoes.

He made his servant Annie May iron it while he went out his room to walk around the palace and enjoy being evil. "Tra la la la la, la lo li la laaaa." He waved at Terry Goodkind as he went to use the bathroom and nodded at General Robert E. Lee, who nodded back and smiled.

"Getting ready for the part, Lee?" He asked, smiling.

"You betcha I am!"

But, when Galbatorix reached the atrium of his palace, he saw Blodgharm.

"Murr! Hello, Galbie! Shake me paw?" The blue-furred wolf extended his...paw...to Galbatorix.

The evil king apologized. "Sorry," he apologized. "But I don't want to touch your paw."

"Oooooh, murr. You make Blodgharm sad." And Blodgharm started barking. He barked and he barked and he barked; then he murred. Then he howled, but then he felt like barking again, so he did.

"Sorry!" Galbatorix apologized.

"Awwooooooo, murr!" He howled and began to cry furry tears. Blodgharm's pheromones grew stronger and a horde of 2-dimensional female characters gathered around him as he cried and petted his blue fur.

"Oh, Bloddie, it's okay!"

"Don't cry my little Woofie."

"Oh my gyoooed! You're such a jerk, King Galbatorix."

"How could you be so mean to him? He's only a kid!"

"You're just jealous 'cause Stephanie Meyer can write better than you!"

"I said I was sorry,"...Galbatorix apologized. He shrugged, but then he decided to get angry. "Look, if Blodgharm was offended, then I really don't care. He's not even allowed in the palace!"

That hurt Blodgharm the most and he cried harder, thus, angering the hordes of womenz around him. Suddenly, they began to sparkle like Edward Cullen and they all turned into vampires...evil vampires.

Galbatorix got into fight mode as they flew towards him. He summoned his dragon Shruikan. _Shruikan, glad you could make it. _

_Sup, Gal? Let's blast these suckas._

_Right away! Let's have our Dance of Death, Friend Of My Heart._

_...GAY._

And they danced. They were a storm of swords, breaking through the horde of bats like lightsabers slicing through the black. Blood was everywhere and so was fire from Shruikan's mouth. "Oh yeah! I got enough for all'a'y'all!" Shruikan's personality was much more manly than Saphira's.

But then, Galbatorix and Shruikan saw that as long as Blodgharm emitted his hormonal pheromones, the girls would continue to come and in either werewolf or vampire form.

"We have to kill Blogharm."

"Yes, Friend of My Dragon Heart."

BUT...Blodgharm overheard them and he transformed into an even bigger blue wolf. It was a horrifying process; Galbatorix and his dragon stood back in fear, listening to that one song from Neon Genesis Evangelion. When the wolf was done, he was still crying, but his voice was deeper and his eyes were green. His fur was golden now.

Too make a short story short, Super Saiyan Blodgharm beat Galbatorix and Shruikan and our two heroes were forced to flee the bottom floor of the palace, where Blodgharm had built an evil fortress, guarded by his vampire womenz.

_You straight homie?_

_Yes, I am alright, Shruikan. Just a few scratches here and there, though._

_Yo, how we go'in defeat this punk? He too strong, man._

Galbatorix sighed. _Well, I haven't been using all my power. Y'know, all the power that could destroy Eragon. _

_Yeah, where's it at? How do you access it?_

_Well, definately not with the Eldunari. That was only a joke._

_Oh?_

_Yes, really, I get my power from...well..._Galbatorix was very reluctant to say it, but he did anyway. _Dragon fetuses. I eat them and gain more power. There are 7 of them...but everytime I eat them, I poop them out and they turn to stone and are sent to the four corners of the Earth to grow, waiting for me to eat them again when my power warranty has warn off. Now, we must find them with the dragonfetus radar so I can eat them and gain back my power and defeat SuperSaiyan Blodgharm and his hosts of Twilight-fangirls. _

_I'm bringing my iPod, homie._

_**Too be continued...**_

**_Frzmheimlin Drgtryiz also entitled__ Lhrmgharm Bufrtrz _**

(If you're too stupid and haven't been studying the super cool flawless language of the Elves, then look at the gloassary. That goes for other ancient language words you'll come across.)

In the beginning, Christopher Paolini created the universe.

And the universe was without awesome characters, shape, or form and darkness and evil magic was on the face of Alagaesia. The pen of Christopher Paolini hovered over the darkness.

And he said "Let there be dragons!" And he gave the dragons god-like powers because he had dreams about them when he showered.

Then he said, "Let there be buildings and people and cities, all placed in a medieval setting which I have no researched!" And they all were. And they all lacked research and came out bland and crappy. Christopher Paolini loved them anyway.

He created many more things, but none as interesting as the _srrrgmein. _

Christopher was looking over his dragons one day and swooning over how beautiful they were. But there was something missing.

Not being the creative type, Christopher Paolini thought of all the cool things that he liked in the world: _Hot elf chicks, swords, cool sword-fights, dragons, dragon riders, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, black chicks in white chemises that cut themselves, pine needles...hmm...pine needles, single tears_... And he thought of a way to congest this all into one...A magnificent dragon that could date hot elf chicks, use swords, get into cool sword-fights, etc and said: "Let there be Eragon!"

Instead of making a better name, Christopher kept his _grmbsorgf_.

And so ends the most depressing tragedy in the world. (Unfortunately, there are other books of the Eragaeism religion written. Though short in size, they each hold educational and morale lessons.)

_Frzmheimlin Drgtryiz - The Creation_

_Lhrmgharm Bufrtrz - How Christopher Paolini Inserted Himself Into the World of Alagaesia_

_grmbsorgf - the noun form of the dwarven word, lkjdfhdifjrmrk, which is a verb meaning to "manifest something from a wet dream"._

_srrrgmein - pine needle_


End file.
